The airport is an unpleasant place - it’s dirty, loud, uncomfortable, and you’re usually stuck there hours longer than planned. Making things worse are the people that surround you. Many of them exist in their own little airport bubbles, not caring or realizing how they appear to the rest of the world. Below are 10 different types of those people.
VP of Business Importance
“I just came from a very important business meeting. I exchanged many business cards. My laptop can fit in a manila envelope. Of course I’m in first class. Don’t make eye contact with me. I went to business school. No, my facial expression will never change, people need to know how focused I am on this spreadsheet.”
Airport Dad
Airport Dad is signified by his official travel uniform - jeans and a sport coat.
We’re So In Love!
“We live together but let’s PDA like we haven’t seen each other in months! Let’s go play Idaho Senator in the bathroom! We’re going to make sure everyone in this place knows how much we do it. A lot. Nothing in this world matters to me except you and our matching outfits. I’m so lost in your eyes, I don’t even care if my muffin top becomes exposed.”
J-Lo
“I’m so comfortable! Feel how soft my pants are! Don’t touch me you creep.”
J-Lo is all about wearing her fashionable pajamas in public, likely paired with Uggs, a Starbucks latte, and plenty of annoying chatter.
Tubby 2 Seat
As soon as you see this guy waiting at your gate, you cross your fingers that he won’t have the seat next to you. No one likes spillover rolls on their leg or armrest.
I’m Boarding Before You (or not)
There’s 2 types of this character:
- “I fly a lot or have so much money that I have a special roped off line to board the plane first. That’s right, not only do I board before you, but I can’t walk through the same line as you commoners.”
- “First! Not only am I that person when commenting on the internet, but I take pride in being the first person from Group 4 to board.”
Mr./Ms. Selective Hearing
Minutes after the desk representative announces that they won’t have more information for another 15 minutes, this person storms up and demands more information.
Bluetooth Jones
Bluetooth Jones can be male or female, douche or oblivious. Either way, they are way more efficient than you - talking to grandma or closing deals while making stuff happen with 2 free hands.
Disney Family
These families are 2-faced at the airport, depending on whether they’re coming back or going on vacation. The coming back group is sedated and asleep, but the outgoing family is a ball of annoying energy. If seated near the Disney-bound family, keep your distance and make sure you have noise canceling head phones.
Coughy Cough
Sick guy always ends up next to you on the return flight that’s days before an important event.
21 Responses
the only accessory you missed for j-lo is the small dog in large bag. good stuff.
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You forgot to mention that “I’m Boarding Before You” person stands at the very front of the line, even though they’re Group 4, so that everyone from Groups 1-3 need to walk around them after first mistakenly standing in line behind them.
I used to travel for business about 10 years ago. At the time, I was a 30y/o white woman (still a white woman) & I used to go on what I called “The White Man Rant” which pretty much encompassed 4 of the profiles listed here. It used to rage on my nerves because of the entitlement & superiority that they had. Bluetooth headsets were’nt invented then, but still lots of people on their cell phones.
Oh - and the “I’m Boarding Before You” person is also the “I’m getting my bags before you” person or at least, “I’m going to stand in your way so that you can’t get your bags” person.
Umm..your Minnesota senator link should really be Idaho senator. Minnesotans can’t elect senators, and senators from other states come to try and have gay sex in our airport bathrooms…there is a big difference.
Agree with Dan and Lauren! Also can mention the guy or gal who is on the blue tooth who talks for the entire gate area to hear. I have actually taped them and replayed from my bag as we board the flight. The reaction is priceless when they hear their voice, conversation and can’t figure out where it is coming from!
good call Minnesota, fixed. my bad.
New Category: On the Plane Neighbors.
1. The hogging the armrest guy.
2. The seat in front of you incline all the way guy.
3. The too big bag for the overhead guy/gal.
4. The Bad BO guy.
5. The blabbermouth guy/gal.
6. The knee in the back/kicking kid or guy.
7. The aged stewardess from hell.
8. The extended seat-belt fatso guy.
9. The bladder problem guy.
10.The close all the shades guy/gal.
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The other “guy” that bugs me is the one that talks on his cell phone/bluetooth still after they announce “please shut off all electronic devices”. This one D-bag kept on going after getting told twice by the attendant that he hid it the 3rd time she came by and was talking up to the point of lifting off the ground. If i wasn’t going to face charges, i would’ve punched that dude square in the face!
Ha ha love Airport Dad and J Lo!
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What about the guy who fall asleep on your face and won’t wake up.
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When travelling in Australia I noticed the locals just go to the gate and sit - when its time to start boarding somehow manage to line up in an order very close to the order of arrival in the gate area. The American tourists however (I admit being part of that group) crowd up and stand in line to board - even if an hour or two before flight. Just proves in AU the sheep are kept while in US the people ARE the sheep.
I have never understood the need to get on the plane as fast as you can….you have an assigned seat, no one will take it. If you get on the plane an hour before take-off, thats an extra hour of sitting on the plane….whats the point. why stand in line for an hour to board. Sit your ass down, read a magazine, get a coffee, and stretch those legs out. Makes absolutely no sense to me.
Amen. Don’t forget about the “ITS MY FIRST TIME ON AN AIRPLANE!” person wearing a t shirt with either the Tasmanian devil or a souvenir t shirt from a place they’ve never actually been
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