When it was recently announced that Bazooka Joe and Where’s Waldo movies were green lit, most people treated the news like an article from The Onion. After realizing that it wasn’t a joke, these films instantly jumped into the group of things from my childhood that don’t belong in Hollywood. With Battleship, Monopoly, Candy Land, and American Gladiators movies already in the works to go with the Street Fighter and Double Dragon debacles, there’s no doubt that by 2020 Hollywood will have run through everything that entertained me in the early 90s. Below are some properties that definitely do not need a movie. Please Hollywood, don’t do it.
Captain Planet
While it’d be all kinds of fun for bloggers to make fun of Ben Affleck or Wilmer Valderama turning blue and earthy-gay, no one needs to be reminded that they watched this daily after GI Joe. Looking back, I really had no idea I was watching green propoganda.
Hungry Hungry Hippos
If Gloria the Hippo from Madagascar was real, she would definitely sell-out and be the lead in the film adaptation of Hungry Hungry Hippos, a coming of age tale about a hippopotamus who struggles with her weight and addiction to white balls.
Excitebike
A rumor that I just made up says that The Wachowski Brothers (yes, it’s capitalized) are itching for another racing movie after Speed Racer, and EXCITEBIKE is the property they’re after. Not coincidentally, Paul Walker has been spotted riding a dirt bike daily through LA.
Contra
kickass animation from captain-angry
The above graphic does all of the work here. 20 years ago, it could have been the most bad ass movie ever - Schwarzenegger and Stallone as Bill Rizer and Lance Bean. Nowadays, no combination of former wrestlers or NFL players could match this dream tandem.
Mouse Trap
Pixar hit the jackpot with rats in Ratatouille, so what’s stopping them from trying mice? Who wouldn’t want to watch the hilarity of a laid-back mouse that narrowly escapes a chubby kid’s attempts to catch him? Please no.
Micro Machines
I’M TALKING REALLY FAST! Transformers worked because they are fighting robots from space. Micro Machines are tiny collectible cars. No guns. No talking. Easily squashed. However, bad ideas happen in Hollywood, and when the next Rick Moranis appears, this is his franchise.
Green Giant
You’d think that someone this big would have superhero potential, but his name is Jolly and he looks like a Roman Peter Pan Overgrown Elf. Plus, finding out what would happen to him outside of Greenland isn’t that compelling.
Wolfenstein 3D
This game introduced most of the world to first person shooters as they tried to escape Castle Wolfenstein, but a movie’s plot would be terrible unless Tom Cruise is killed somewhere. Nazis, mutants, guns, cheat codes, forgetting to blink, and Robot Hitler. I’d say this has Vin Diesel written all over it, but he’s holding out for Duke Nukem.
What are some of your childhood favorites that need to stay pure and Hollywood-free?
30 Responses
[...] childhood trends do NOT need a [...]
[...] Things From Your Childhood That Don’t Need A Movie [Yep Yep] [...]
[...] live with a big penis” -17 great historical moments ruined by modern technology (funny pics) -Things from your childhood that don’t need a movie -This beverage is stupid and I hate [...]
I think they already made a movie called Mouse Trap, back in the 90s or something - it’s about two exterminators trying to catch a mouse…
The Green Giant is my hero lol. Great site!
[...] Things From Your Childhood That Don’t Need A Movie (Yep Yep) [...]
Captain planet is gey.
Electronic Cigarette
Castle Wolfenstein is in the works as we speak….
That Contra .gif was made by Kain Xiorcal for YTMND.
popurls.com // popular today…
story has entered the popular today section on popurls.com…
@Gleb
I’m pretty sure you are thinking of Mousehunt.
I am going to have to disagree with Wolfenstein 3D…killing Nazi’s is always a good movie. Also, Captain Planet wouldn’t be too bad. Street Fighter was a steller move, Colonel Guille played by Jean Claude Van Damm was very memorable.
I would watch a Captain Planet movie. It could be cool, or it could be gay like Transformers. Certainly worth a shot.
I agree with the rest of your “please don’ts”.
[...] Things From Your Childhood That Don’t Need A Movie (Yep Yep) [...]
[...] With Battleship, Monopoly, Candy Land, and American Gladiators movies already in the works to go with the Street Fighter and Double Dragon debacles, there’s no doubt that by 2020 Hollywood will have run through everything that entertained me in the early 90s. [...]
[...] Things from your childhood that don’t need a movie (YepYep) [...]
[...] There are some things from your childhood that are sacred and should be left alone. For example, recently it was announced that Bazooka Joe and Where’s Waldo will be turned into movies. As a result YepYep made a list of “Things From Your Childhood That Don’t Need A Movie” category. Check out it on YepYep [...]
jason statham could play the lead in Castle Wolfenstein.
kickass stealing from captain-angry
Hollywood likes to take big giant dumps on the things i grew up with. Live and let live.
Bazooka Joe and Where’s Waldo movies have been green lit… I disagree with you… I think that these films are perfect for Hollywood… nothing but 2D characters to work with which they excel at… and neither of them have any real background or history to draw from so there is nothing to worry about fucking with (not that they ever care… Jack Black was once cast as Green Lantern!)… it is an example of paper in toilet tissue out….
I’ve never played Candy Land… and now I can just wait for the movie…
Such a waste of $….
Unbelievable. How could anyone possibly want to make a movie of Candy Land or Bazooka Joe.
In that vein, no Centipede (or Millipede for that matter), Q-Bert, Chutes and Ladders, Connect 4, Fun Dip (but they better damn well make a movie out of Pixie Stix-could you imagine it? Hick pixies subsisting on sugar in over-sized straws?), Big League Chew, Ziggy, B.C., the Family Circus, Hi & Lois…
Still amazed.
There was actually a game show version of Mouse Trap in the early 90’s, at least in Britain.
Transformers and G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero were two animated (and comic book) franchises that didn’t need Hollywood’s live action harrassing. Leave them with their animated dignity. Don’t kid yourselves those who like Michael Bay’s “version”. They could have titled the movie something else and named characters something else. but they had to degrade the original Transformers series by doing otherwise. dont’ get started with G.I. Joe upcoming 2009 movie, “accelerator suits”? you’re kidding me. Stop using the names/likenesses and actual titles of 80s franchises if they “really and honestly” have nothing to do with them, hollywood.
I think you might be a little late on the Mouse Trap. Didn’t they have a movie based on that a few years back with Nathan Lane. I didn’t watch it. But I think it was about trying to set a trap to catch the mouse.
Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel
Every once in a while I’ll call up the MoviePhone line and listen to the guy with the deep voice talk about romantic films while I jerk my meat and jizz all over the phone
I remember playing Wolfenstein for days … the good times
! A movie would totally ruin it !
if they ruin Wolfenstein I’ll cry, such a great game still!
They better keep their hands off of wolfenstein, and captain planet. or it’s over like contra.
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