Written by the tag team of Matt & Lauren Gibbs

 
Pretend celebrities. They’re everywhere thanks to US Weekly, Perez Hilton and VH1. You might think this phenomenon is a recent development in American Pop Culture…but after doing a little digging, we realized that wannabes have been around for decades.

Regardless of the decade, all it takes is a sex tape, family money and/or a famous parent to reach I’m A Star For No Reason-status.

If you happen to be blessed with more then one of the above requirements, you’re all but guaranteed your own show.

Pre-90’s

Pia Zadora

In the early 80’s, Pia rose to fame with lots of help from her Israeli businessman husband Meshulam Riklis. He helped the semi-talented actress win the Golden Globe Award for Best New Star Of The Year (which is a category that doesn’t even exist any more) by shelling out the cash for an intense promotional campaign. Oddly enough, she also won Razzies that year for Worst Actress and Worst New Star (which took much less financial backing to earn).

Like any wealthy beauty whose career was fledgling, she turned to music, releasing a number of albums that America never cared about.

Edie Sedgwick

Sedgwick proved that being a groupie has its benefits. She went from New England socialite to star of Andy Warhol films in no time, but quickly went back to zero when she quit feeding off the Warhol teet. Her death in 1971 was deemed an accident, and her story is portrayed by Sienna Miller in the movie Factory Girl. There is a joke in there about the mediocrity of both women, but I just can’t nail it.

Charo

The flamboyant Spanish singer’s springboard to fame was her marriage to 66-year-old band leader Xavier Cugat, who might’ve been 50+ years older than her. That led to guest appearances on nearly every TV show in the 70’s, followed by a record pace of talk show appearances for her to say “cuchi cuchi”. Eventually America got tired of seeing her on every morning and late night show, and she mostly diseappeared in the 80’s to raise her family.

Not surprisingly, she resurfaced in this decade to appear in The Surreal Life, one of VH1’s many shows that keep people unnecessarily famous. She also just performed what has to be one of the worst covers of Rihanna’s “Please Don’t Stop the Music” at the Jerry Lewis MS telethon. Please enjoy.

90’s

Pauly Shore

Pauly may be a stretch for the Famous4Famous list, since he had a solid career in the early 90’s as an MTV host and movie healdiner. But if you look at anything he’s done in the past 12 years, it’s clear that people only pay attention because of who he used to be. Therefore he’s famous for being famous, not for being genuinely talented at anything. For more on Pauly, check out his feature on IceIceBabies.

Kato Kaelin

Kaelin’s fame is easy to explain - he’s the most famous houseguest ever. No matter what he tries to do career-wise, he’ll always be that guy that was staying at OJ’s house the night Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman were murdered. Nowadays he can be found outside VH1 studios, begging for a spot in any show. Side note: He would kill it in a “Human who most closely resembles Disney’s ‘Beast’” contest.

Anna Nicole Smith

She had an impressive path to notoriety that never included much work:

• Marry billionaire before he dies
• Get nekkid in Playboy
• Gain excessive amount of weight
• Become weight-loss spokesperson
• Get reality show on E!
• Paternity battle between 2 potential baby daddies
• Death by prescription drug overdose

Present

Theme: Have famous parents? Fame can be yours.

Paris (no last name required)

At the risk of starting with the obvious, I’m just gonna jump on in.

Paris is the absolute queen of WhyAreYouFamous Land. She took that famous last name and those Barbie doll looks and ran with it all the way down the perfume/handbag/shoe/novel/party/sex tape/reality show red carpet.

And you know what? Good for her.

She’s even grown her kingdom by dating and/or befriending other rich non-celebrities (see current boyfriend Doug somethingerother, Nicole Ritchie (who earned her own spot), various men named Paris, etc.

I challenge anyone on this list to outdo her. She’s the ZsaZsa of our generation.

Brody Jenner

You might be thinking to yourself…”Why Brody and not one of the “stars” of “The Hills”?”

Well, I’ll tell you why. Selecting Lauren Conrad or Audrina Whatshernuts would be entirely too obvious. Because what’s worse the starring in a fake reality show? Co-starring in a fake reality show.

Brody (I mean, let’s be honest, his name alone started him on the path to Douchedom) is the embodiement of a wannabe. What’s particuarly sad about him is that he’s not bad looking. Could have landed himself a role in a few made-for-TV movies on that last name alone (his dad is former Olympic great (and current plastic surgery feign), Bruce Jenner. But alas, junior has been reduced to dating former Playmates, making guest appearances on various “Hills” spinoffs, and starting fights with fellow dwellers of Douchedom (see Joe Francis). Douches unite!

Anyone named Kardashian

Unless you are a watcher of the oddly addicting, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”, you might not know that the aforementioned Brody is stepbrother to those crazy Kardashians. They’re like the Baldwins, only tackier and with far less talent.

As far as I can tell, the only reason these girls are famous are as follows:

1) Kim’s sexual exploits (sex tape with Brandi’s brother who coincidentally has his own trashtastic reality show on VH1).

2) Kim’s, um, assets.

3) Kim’s relationship with Reggie Bush.

In that order.

The other two sisters (whose names are irrelevant) have succesfully grasped at Kim’s threadbare coattails to make themselves the Brody Jenner of their own family. Cause what’s worse then being famous only for your sex tape with a nobody? Being famous because your the sisters of the girl who made a sex tape with a nobody. Kudos ladies.

Nicole Richie

Adopted daughter of Lionel, Nicole has checked off all of the famous for no reason “musts”.

1) Daughter of someone famous (Lionel)

2) Friend of someone more famous (Paris)

3) Embarrassing reality show (Simple Life)

4) Drug addiction/stint in rehab/eating disorder (alleged)

5) “Music” career (lots of talk of a CD that I don’t think ever “dropped”)

I will say that Nicole has rebounded relatively nicely with a seemingly normal relationship with the guy from GoodBlinkCharlote182 that has produced both a daughter & a son (both with names that rhyme with arrow). What will she do when she’s bored of mommyhood? Stay tuned!

Jack & Kelly Osbourne

Ahh nepotism. Sprinkle in the inevitable drug addiction and a splash of poor fashion choices and you’ve got yourselves a cover-story on Life & Style. In their defense, with a dad like Ozzie (holy crap there’s nothing left in that head) and a mom like Sharon (whose delusions of grandeur frighten me), they really didn’t have much of a shot at registering even close to functional. But hey, Kelly is on this season of “Dancing with the Stars” (a virtual breeding ground for hasbeens and wannabes) and Jack lost a ton of weight. Before you know it, Jack will be Governor of California and Kelly will be on the cover of Redbook. Family values!

Kimberly Stewart

Daughter of Rod and step sister to fellow list-maker, Ashley Hamilton (see below), Kimberly sets a new low (or would it be high?) for being famous for no reason. She goes to parties (if they let her in). She follows Paris around (or at least she used to). She says things in the press to get her more press (i.e. Jennifer Aniston is ugly). Which is ironic as I get the feeling that the beauty thing has got to be a sensitive spot for her given that her mom is former model, Alana Stewart. And let’s be clear: She’s no Alana. She did, however, provide one of my favorite red carpet moments of all time - see video below.

Ashley Hamilton

Thanks to his overtanned dad (George), Ashley has never wanted for much. Including, apparently, a job. He’s best known for being married to Shannen Doherty for about a day and then dating various “models” and fellow wannabe starlets. According to Wikipedia, he also had a part on the now defunct soap “Sunset Beach” for exactly 1 month before getting canned. As with all aspirational has-beens, he has been awarded with a spot on the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars”. I can’t wait to hear how they’ll describe him when they announce his name on the show. If they were at all honest, they would say “Dancing the cha-cha, nonactor/musician/model, Ashley Hamilton!”

Kevin Federline

Talk about hitting the spousal jackpot (and being famous for literally no other reason then association). Federline is close to becoming a brand (think Kleenex or Band-Aid) for trashy nobodies who latch their claws into weak/vulnerable celebrities.

Example: “That guy dating Pam Anderson is totally about to pull a Federline”

Anyway, Kev forgot the Golden Rule for men marrying up: Never get ‘em pregnant. How he forgot this rule not once, but twice (not including his other kids with the other not so famous chick) in a 2 year period has got to be some kind of a record. He now collects his checks from Don’tcallitacomeback and poses with the boys for as many photo ops as possible. I think it’s also safe to say that he’s abandoned his “dance”/”rap” career as evidenced by recent photos in the rags. Holy crap cut back on the KFC. If I prayed, I would say one for those boys.

Tila Tequila

She was famous on MySpace, which helped her become a famous (supposed) bisexual on MTV, which has since led to her being a famous liar in need of attention.  She needs a reality show just to figure out what her next fame tactic will be.

Who else would you add to the list (besides the regular cast of The Hills)?