Written by the lovely Lauren Gibbs

 

10. Jessica Simpson

Look, getting dumped is never fun. Nor is having your dog eaten by wolves. BUT instead of going away & getting over it in private, she insisted upon showing up with her hairstylist at any & all paparazzi havens with her ill-fitting jeans and Texas hair. She wins the year’s “What-Have-You-Done-For-Me-Lately” award.

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9. John Mayer

Easily the most irritating Twitter fan this side of Demi & Ashton. Really Jennifer? What’s the hook with him? The sappy songs? The bad comedy? He’s a fame whore. Literally and figuratively.

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8. The Kardashians

Gotta give ‘em credit. They have mastered the art of the tabloid press. There is truly no reason for any of us to know them. One made a sex tape with Brandy’s brother 6 years ago. That was literally their jumping off point. All of the sudden one is pregnant (and on OK Magazine telling us how she stays in shape) and the other is marrying an NBA player that will be cheating on her within a month (I anticipate a follow-up OK cover in Spring 2010 reading “Betrayed: What Went Wrong with Khloe and Lamar”). Sidenote: I’m embarrassed I know his name.

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7. Carrie Prejean

Ignorant statement at beauty pageant? Check. Holier then thou soapbox? Check. Sex tapes? Check. Iswearmyboobsarerealwaitwhoopsilied? Check. God Bless Miss America.

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6. Chris “BEATHERDOWN” Brown

Here’s a story. Don’t hit girls. Period. Know what else you don’t do? Claim that you’ve learned from it (you haven’t) in a pandering, shit-tastic interview on 20/20. Shame on you ABC. And also, no one will be buying your album.

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5. Perez Hilton

Dear PH: I miss when your gossip column was up to date and filled with all of the juicy bits Friday’s US Magazine was going to spill. Now you’re a self-promoting fame whore (no better then the aforementioned John Mayer whom you love to slam) who spends more time landing TV gigs on basic cable TV shows instead of providing your loyal audience with salacious gossip. Thank goodness CNN has picked up where you left off.

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4. Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt

No words are necessary.

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3. Kanye West

Oh Kanye. I wanted to feel bad for you after your mom’s tragic death. You make it so.very.difficult. Sure the whole Taylor Swift thunder-stealing drama was the most talked about “shutthefrontdoor” moment. But really, every time you open your mouth, you make my skin crawl. I miss the days when you focused on producing real music (not autotune) and spent time with talented people (not scary looking bald ladies). Please lay off the Hennessey and spend some time in the studio.

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2. Miley Cyrus

I don’t care if she wins an Oscar and Meryl Streep herself calls her the second coming. She will always – always – be my least favorite celebrity. Can she sing better then me? Sure. Can she act better then me? Questionable. Can she dance better then me? Nope. She makes Dakota Fanning’s aw-shucks/I’m really 45 act almost bearable.

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1. Jon & Kate

Having never watched their show, I can’t speak to the he said/she said drama. But I can say that this has to be one of the saddest examples of “celebrity” in recent years. As far as I’m concerned, they’re both nightmares who love the spotlight so much they can’t see past their own agendas to remember why they’re famous in the first place – THE KIDS. Bummer for them. I anticipate many OK Magazine covers featuring the various Gosselin offspring’s escapades. Who can blame them?

Willow Street Pictures

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Dishonorable Mentions

1. Levi Johnston: I’m no Sarah Palin fan, but wow, this guy blows. His 15 minutes are rapidly reaching their Playgirl photo shoot-end. Catch yah next time I’m in Alaska looking for some fish.

2. The Octomom: Ick. Just like the Gosselin kids, these little ones don’t have a shot in hell at a normal life. And her face scares me.

3. Lindsey Lohan & family: The other day I caught “Mean Girls” on TV. She doesn’t suck in that movie. She’s highly watchable and endearing. What happened? Sure her parents are consistently one-up’ing each other on the trash-o-meter, but isn’t there someone in her life that can tell her that hocking tanning cream and “jeggings” (jeans as leggings for all you non-fashion types) is NOT a step in the right direction? Someone needs to tell her to lay off the booze and eat a sandwich. And remind her that fake trips to India with well placed cameras capturing your “good deeds” are not foolin’ any of us.

4. The Yankees: Just because it’s no fun when the guys who are supposed to win, actually do. Especially the Yankees + Kate Hudson. Annoying.

Predictions for the first half of 2010

1. Tiger & his lady friends: Damn. What a way to wrap up a year. Can’t wait to hear about the inevitable love child. Take him for all he’s worth, Elin.

2. Lady GaGa: I currently find her to be a pop music genius. I anticipate her wearing out that welcome with the second, lackluster album.

3. Oprah: You know we’re going to hear about “the beginning of the end” for a solid year. We’ll all be more then ready for her to go away by the time September rolls around.

4. The cast of “Gossip Girl”: O V E R E X P O S E D. And with minimal talent to boot. I anticipate many a LIfetime movie for the whole crew by 2014.

[thanks to Kugel for the idea]

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