written by Lauren Gibbs

Before I get into what was yet another lackluster Superbowl commercial “show”, a few pre-game thoughts:

1) If I was a Colts fan, I’d be irritated by the Lifetime movie style vignettes. Katrina was dreadful, no doubt. But let’s be honest, I bet there are some sad stories to be told about Indianapolis…

2) Jay Z = Badass. Even when he’s lip syncing.

3) Carrie Underwood. A liiiiitle pitchy. No one can top Whitney. I wish she would stop wearing all white ensembles.

Hit the jump for the commercial commentary…

Commercial commentary (“favorites” (if you can call them that) in BOLD:

• McDonald’s: Wait – is this a “Nothing but Net” remake? Is nothing sacred? Much like “Psycho”, “Starsky & Hutch” and any movie starring Rob Schneider, that was unnecessary. We’re supposed to believe that the two of them don’t recognize Larry Bird? Come on. I recognize Larry Bird.

• Snickers: Betty.White.Is.Genius. Even more genius? Abe.Vigoda.

• Focus On The Family: I’ll avoid getting political and instead focus on how TERRIBLE this spot is. 1) I hate the Gators (irrelevant, but I can say whatever I want). 2) Why is Tim “Cry Me A River” Tebow tackling his mom? What does that have to do with abortion? 3) Gonna go out on a limb and call this the worst of the worst 10 minutes in.

• Hyundai: Spots are kind of snoozey. Feel like I’ve seen them before (maybe I have?) Either way, they dropped a pretty penny on the media budget. This is the second spot I’ve seen and we’re not even out of the first quarter. And also, Jeff Bridges is R I C H.

• Boost Mobile: Ditka! What the spot lacks in production quality it makes up for in high power ex-football talent.

• Doritos: Consumer-generated spot #1: I kind of like the idea of dogs turning the tables on their owners with those awful shock boxes, but I can’t help but feel like this one could have been funnier. I’ll give it a C+.

• “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves 2” starring Gladiator. Gotta be better than the Kevin Costner original. Here’s a question: Does Russell Crowe make movies with anyone other than Ridley Scott?

• Bud Light: “Here we go”. Hmm. Where, exactly, are we going? To Stales-ville? Cause if that’s the destination, we’re already there. The house made of beer and the nerd NASA party felt expected. And not particularly interesting. Our Bud friends need some new tricks.

• Simpson’s and Coke: Kind of great. Not as great as an actual episode of the show, but still. Must have been a logistical NIGHTMARE to negotiate.

• Go Daddy: Guess they’re going to stick with beating this horse to a gluey pulp. Snooze.

• Doritos: Coffin full of Doritos is disturbing. Reminds me of when Marlena was buried alive on Days of Our Lives. Scared the crap out of me. D.

• Bud Light: Now ‘HERE WE GO’. Anything with T-Pain & the mocking of Autotune I am 100% on board with.

• Bridgestone: FAIL. Trying, unsuccessfully, to take a piece of the “Hangover” pie, a couple of guys drive around with a whale in the bed of their truck. Sorry, but nothing can top the tiger and Tyson.

• Budweiser: The human ‘Bridges of Madison County’ was lame. As was the Budlight “Lost” redo. Felt dated. Maybe because the show has been on for years.

• CareerBuilder: For a split second I pictured my own office (and/or client’s office) participating in this version of “casual Friday”. And I was horrified. Mission accomplished.

• Docker’s: Hmm…Not sure the placement right after the no pants CareerBuilder spot was ideal for this one, but if this is the brand’s way of revamping their image, I’m intrigued.

• Hyundai: AGAIN. Maybe I would be less bored with these if someone (like Favre) was pants-less.

• Dove: Skin care for men. I’m curious as to whether or not this line of products will take off. I’m pretty sure the only guys who will be using this product will be men who live with women who buy Dove for themselves. In which case, I would assume that these men are just using their wife’s Dove. Which begs the question…Who will buy it?

• Dodge Charger: Wow. I guess women are NOT the target for this particular vehicle. Additional insight: Whomever wrote that spot is not happily married.

• Teleflora: Here’s a story: Women like getting flowers. Doesn’t matter how they arrive.

• Papa Johns: Thinly veiled dig at Domino’s latest (‘we’re changing’) campaign. I like this one better. This opinion is only moderately influenced by the fact that I enjoy Papa John’s WAY more than Dominos.

• Dr. Pepper: KISS? Little people? Really? Pretty sure we’ve seen this before. But, given that The Who is performing at half time, perhaps we are in a time warp and what’s old is new again.

• Intel: I don’t get what a core processor is. Or why I might want one. Is it like an iPad? Having said that, I do love that “bum bum bum bum”. Great little jingle.
  

• Flo TV: Am I the only one who thought this was a Pepsi spot? Anyway, the only Flo I know is the Progressive lady, but this spot is my favorite so far. I’m a sucker for vintage footage. Despite my disdain for Will.I.Am, this one gave me the chills.

• NFL: The music was the best part of “Where the Wild Things Are”. Thank you Arcade Fire & Karen O.

• Motorola: Megan “poor man’s Angelina” Fox in a bathtub. Sight gags featuring distracted men being dumb. SUPER original.

• VW: I feel like there’s a joke I’m not getting with all of the punching. Either way, they gave us our first shot to the crotch. Did love the Stevie Wonder “sight” gag. Never gets old. P.S. Is that the Grizzly Bears in the background? Hipsters unite.

• HomeAway.com: I have no idea what you are, but I’m intrigued. Having said that, I feel like the Lampoon reunion could have been hilarious. And it wasn’t. Missed opportunity.

• Bridgestone: I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but they’re an official sponsor of the NFL. And also, I don’t get the space age spot.

• Coke: Is he not wearing pants either? Oh wait, yes he is. This guy must of had a blast shooting against that green screen.

• E-Trade: I so desperately don’t want to like these spots, but I can’t help myself. Them babies sure is cute! You could argue they’ve sucked the life out of this concept, but as we all know, us simple folk will ever tire of babies. Or puppies.

• Census: I appreciate (I guess) that the powers that be are trying to make the census cool. More interested in how many of my tax dollars contributed to paying Ed Begley Jr. for his time.
  

• Google: Taking a stab at the Apple technique. I liked it. Made me feel something without seeing anyone. Could have done without the fake baby cooing at the end though.

• Select 55: Wow, they did NOT even try. But, if dollars spent on an ad is directly proportional to how good the beer tastes, I guess they nailed it.

• Miller High Life: Their usual delivery-guy spokesman announces they’re donating the air time to every day business owners who can’t afford Superbowl airtime. Not sure I care enough to learn more at the URL. Wait – I take that back – I’m certain I don’t care enough.

• Vizio: Beyonce + Chipmunk from Caddyshack + Chocolate Rain guy (wow he’s milked that) = super pricey spot that will likely not move the proverbial needle even a little.

• Budweiser: Requisite Clydesdale spot. They all kind of blend together. Animals, friendships, lots of running. Not sure what it all means. I do know that it does not make me want to drink their beer. But I’m pretty sure I’m not their target.

• Audi: “Green Police”…clever. Fun way to tout their “Green Car of the Year” award. Taking a stance as a brand. I like it.

• Doritos: Really? DoritoMan using chips as a weapon? F.

• Bud Light: Guy crashing the book club made me giggle. “Do you like Little Women? Yeah I’m not too picky.” Good one. Or maybe I’ve just lowered the bar after 3 hours of average work?

• Hyundai: Though none of their spots so far tonight have stood out, as a collective, they’re making an impact. Might just be Jeff “Crazy Heart” Bridge’s achingly sweet voice, but the spots are starting to grow on me. This one about their team’s quality control is boring, but the story they’ve been building all night is starting to stick.

• Shape Ups/Go Daddy/Denny’s: I believe it’s safe to say, we’ve hit a low “pod” for the evening. HEY-OHHHHH.

Net-Net: The Saints win was FOR SURE the high point of the last 3 hours.